Election season in Somalia is in full swing.
Polls have encountered multiple delays, but this has not stopped candidates — ranging from those looking to boost their resume and public profile to serious contenders — from engaging in a carefully scripted public flirtation with office.
Putting aside the reality that only members of parliament will vote for president and serious candidates exchange bribes for votes, this is a step-by-step guide on #HowToRunForPresidentInSomalia.
Step 1: Make a grand entrance to campaign events in your chartered plane.
Step 2: Show that you have adoring (and possibly compensated) fans.
Step 3: Make sure you have an entourage. Walk with said entourage.
Step 4: Ride with said entourage.
Step 5: Blow yourself up (not like al-Shabaab…)
Step 6: Show them you love the elderly, the disabled, and the youths…
Step 7: Stay humble.
Step 8: Go to Yurub (ahem, Europe.) But not for tahriib!
Step 9: Create a website with all your achievements; but perhaps don’t forget to fill it out like the current president…
Step 10: Retweet yourself. The old-school way.
Step 11: *Think* about not being a man.
Step 12: Wear bling. SPARE NO EXPENSE.
Step 13: Remind your opponent of every mistake they ever made.
Step 14: Talk to ✌ The West ✌
Step 15: Did you mention you love the kids?
These steps won’t make you a good president — or even president. But it will make you look presidential. And sometimes, that’s all that matters.