Step-by-Step Guide: How to Run for President in Somalia

Election season in Somalia is in full swing.

Polls have encountered multiple delays, but this has not stopped candidates — ranging from those looking to boost their resume and public profile to serious contenders — from engaging in a carefully scripted public flirtation with office.

Putting aside the reality that only members of parliament will vote for president and serious candidates exchange bribes for votes,  this is a step-by-step guide on #HowToRunForPresidentInSomalia.

Step 1: Make a grand entrance to campaign events in your chartered plane.

plane1

 

Step 2: Show that you have adoring (and possibly compensated) fans.

ladies

 

Step 3: Make sure you have an entourage. Walk with said entourage.

allies

 

Step 4: Ride with said entourage.

convoy

 

Step 5: Blow yourself up (not like al-Shabaab…)

screenshot-2016-10-06-at-8-25-55-pm

 

Step 6: Show them you love the elderly, the disabled, and the youths…

 

Step 7: Stay humble.

praying

 

Step 8: Go to Yurub (ahem, Europe.) But not for tahriib!
screenshot-2016-10-06-at-8-53-01-pm

Step 9: Create a website with all your achievements; but perhaps don’t forget to fill it out like the current president… 

screenshot-2016-10-06-at-8-56-34-pm

 Step 10: Retweet yourself. The old-school way.

screenshot-2016-10-06-at-8-59-08-pm

 

Step 11: *Think* about not being a man. 

Step 12: Wear bling. SPARE NO EXPENSE.

bling


Step 13: Remind your opponent of every mistake they ever made.

screenshot-2016-10-06-at-9-18-40-pm

 

Step 14: Talk to ✌ The West ✌

 

Step 15: Did you mention you love the kids?

These steps won’t make you a good president — or even president. But it will make you look presidential. And sometimes, that’s all that matters.



Categories: elections

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1 reply

  1. Hilarious! Great work.

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